I have attached my draft for the background. The methods, broader impacts, etc. are not done. Please modify my background and add the rest of the parts (methods, etc). Below are some of feedback my professor has sent me about my background draft. I have also attached the rubric of the research proposal and several sample research proposals.
I think you have a decent start here. The last sentence of the first paragraph can be omitted. You definitely need citations throughout, and your list of websites down below does not meet the criteria for a references section. When you are citing studies, just report the major details of the study and condense your sentences. For example, you wrote “In a study done by Leopold et. al., the individuals that smoked had a smaller cilia length (their cilia was reduced by 13%). This should be revised to something like “Leopold et.
al. (year of publication) reported that individuals that smoked had shorter cilia length, reduced by 13%, compared to control individuals.” Do you see the difference? Watch for minor grammar issues as well. Cilia is a plural word. You dropped some articles here and there, as well. For example, “Nicotine is highly addictive drug found in tobacco plants” is missing the word “a” – where might it go? When you first introduce the term “Electronic nicotine Delivery System” put (ENDS) immediately after it. The last paragraph is pretty disorganized. You repeat somethings and the way you have written it, it does sound like ENDS do cause a number of issues even though you say there is little know. Work on re-organizing the information that’s there. So you can clearly introduce your hypothesis.
Broader Impacts: 3
Spelling & Grammar: 3.5
Writing Uniqueness: 5
You can’t just cite information/statistics without including the supporting references. You need to transition between your intro paragraph and a paragraph on asthma. Is a problem with cilia length the cause of asthma? It doesn’t seem like the cilia-length information is directly connected with the statement about asthma. You have to make this clear for your reader even if you fully understand the relationship because your reader may not. Watch out for noun-verb agreement issues. For example, cilia is a plural word – all associated verbs must be plural as well. In terms of adding more information – each paragraph should focus on a particular topic. So paragraph 1 could be much like you have it now. Perhaps paragraph 2 could focus on diseases and their extents, perhaps paragraph 3 specifically could be on asthma. Paragraph 4 could be on introducing vaping, the extent of its use and some known issues so far but focus on a lack of knowledge regarding long-term use. Your final paragraph would be as we discussed in person today.
You need to include citations because you are borrowing information from other sources. Reordering some information may help with flow as well. “In 2018, approximately 34.2 million adults….” Your writing needs to be a little more formal, too. For example, “Cilia’s job is to sweep out irritants” is way too casual. Something like… ”The role of cilia within in the lungs is to remove….”
How to cite the sources:
a. Author list (last name, followed by first and last initial., next author, and so on). Year. The title of the article. Journal (full title spelled out and in italics). Vol. #:page–range.
Todd, B.D., Rothermel, B.B. 2006. Assessing quality of clearcut habitats for amphibians: Effects on abundances versus vital rates in the southern toad (Bufo terrestris). Biological Conservation 133:178–185. (Google Scholar)
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